Do you worry? There was a time that I worried about everything. Oh I knew scripture…”God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of…..” yeah, I quoted that to myself many times, and yet l still worried. I still lived by fear…. I did not know how to trust God and allow Him to carry my burdens.
One day everything changed for me. I recall that day with amazing clarity. My morning began with a knot in my stomach that was so tight I thought I would be sick. Long story short, my day progressed with continued waves of worry. By my day’s end I had survived an almost full day of work and witnessed my son go through an MRI. A diagnosis of terminal cancer was a burden beyond me. There was no way not to allow God to carry it.
In all honesty I don’t worry much anymore. Life has many stories between “that day” and now, but I really don’t have waves of anxiety like I used to. I don’t worry about life or death with fear and trembling. Is that really what anyone else even experiences?!?
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m writing about fear…..well we all have fears, right?!? I’m ready to confess the wave of fear that I struggle with. It’s the fear of my inability to keep my littles safe. Yep, there, I said it. It’s a funny thing about loosing a child to something as uncontrollable as cancer, I sometimes want to protect all of my others to the point of smothering them.
I am thankful that God is so amazing!! Honestly I have never asked “why?” regarding the death of Alexx. Seriously! That I have not asked the question is amazing in itself as I’m a “why” kinda person. I like to know how all the pieces fit into a puzzle and what the final image is supposed to reveal. Yet I never asked God why, and I’m okay with that.
So, today I write about my fear. To guard my heart would be to deny the littles my love. If I protect them too much they cannot grow.
Only God knows the day and hour of birth and of death. Yet I battle the desire to protect my littles.
God is so faithful to comfort me. Recently we took the littles bike riding in an area behind our neighborhood. Some motorcycle rider had created some intense paths and jumps. Living in a quiet neighborhood the jumps were quickly dug down and paths abandoned. The littles were brimming with excitement at the thought of speeding the trails and flying over the jumps…..FLYING!
I felt waves of fear as we set off for the trails. “Is it safe….” Yet the littles plunged forward with excitement. I watched Columbo race around, and call out encouragement to Magoo to go faster….”Noooo” I inwardly screamed!!!!
As the boys went faster, the Lord began to show me that ultimately I cannot protect my children. Columbo sped faster and his laughter rang out. Magoo, not far behind in speed, crashed! Little Bear had the careful hand of daddy behind her at every turn…… Despite where each of my children were in speed, ability, or parental overseeing, they had a heavenly Father holding them each in His hand. When I understand that…when I embrace that, my fears dissolve!!
My oldest son, is an adult now. Little Bear likes to remind everyone that he is her “biggest brother” so I’ll give him the name Big for anonymity sake. I don’t write about him much. As he is an adult his story has become his own……
Big had recently come to discuss with us some major life decisions. As he spoke to us, the Lord reminded me of the picture of the littles riding their bikes. Despite how fast the boys wanted to ride…despite my desire to want to tell them to slow down…..I had to allow them to fall and learn their own limits. Yet I also knew the limits of Little Bear. Regardless of how big she might think she is, dad or I ran behind her and held her seat or handlebars. We even had fun.
I believe that is how God is with us. He knows our abilities. He knows when we need to test our abilities. He also knows that sometimes we will crash and need to get up and dust ourselves off……
When Big came to talk, we listened. We asked questions…..”What is God telling you? What do you want to do? How do you feel? What do you think?……” We prayed!
Despite the waves of fear that I may experience when my kids are racing, crashing, or if I’m trying to race protectively behind….ultimately they are in His hand!
I am continually reminded that I cannot protect my children from all that this world will throw at them. Cancer has proven that. In one of the final conversations I had with my son, he spoke of his health with simple faith. He said “Either God will heal me and I’ll stay here on earth, or He will heal me in heaven as there is no cancer in heaven.” That statement taught me that we are not made for time. We are made for eternity. There is little to fear after learning such a lesson.
Jesus is victor!!